He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
