I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
