my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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