Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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