i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
