I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
