Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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