if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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