my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
