The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
