So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
