We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
