planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
ttyl tear gas
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
