Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
