So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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