Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
