don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
