Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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