So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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