his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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