We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
