I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
