i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
