How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he puts the penis in happiness.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
