i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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