by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
