So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
