I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
