I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
