Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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