i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
