Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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