My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
