You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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