Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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