It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
