Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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