what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
