I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
is it fun? or sober?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
