I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
