we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
