Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
