Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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