I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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