I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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