Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
