So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My ass is underappreciated
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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