Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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