he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
