i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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