I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
