mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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